2011....some things I’d like to record and remember

Last year was a good year all being said. It has been a journey for me in many ways (as every year is) and I’ve learned some things, discovered some new things and grown as a person. My husband began another new stage in his career and we’ve had some incredible moments with the children making memories along the way.  I did have some tough moments times in 2011 and a short period where I slipped back into some negative head space and old worries resurfaced for a while, robbing me of my usual spark and positive attitude. Unlike previous years though, I’ve tackled things, tried to move on and accept the things I can’t change. It is a work in progress but I’m getting there.

2011 ended well for me and my family and I wanted to record some of the highlights here (which I plan on doing every new year from now on) to make sure me and the family have something to remember it all through.

We’ve still got issues with sleep when it comes to my youngest Georgia (5). I look back at last year and we have come a long way but she remains gripped by bad dreams, fears and general nervousness at night time. We are sleeping more on the whole though and have decided not to over analyse it any more. It is what it is. It won’t last forever. Or at least I hope not. If I ever feel despairing I go back to read this post to get things into perspective. I’ve come a long way baby and it’s not so bad.

Career wise I am still not where I want to be and my quest for work life balance continues. Bottom line is, working motherhood is really hard work. I doubt it will ever be anything other than that. So I’ve tried not to complain so much this year and we’ve arranged childcare to ensure there is a little less pressure on me than in previous years. Couple that with the girls getting older and it is about as good as I think it will ever get and for that I am grateful and more aware of how much harder some others have it. If I do have a particularly bad day, I read thispost from a blogger I love and whose posts often relate so closely to my own experiences and remind me that my trials and  tribulations are by no means unique.  

One of the best things about last year, and every year since 2004 really,  is the pure joy I get from being a Mum.  This year I’ve watched the girls grow closer, play together better, laugh together more and generally develop their bond further. I love watching them dance, perform and go off into a make believe world together. The build up to Christmas recently and their combined excitement and wonder over the festive season was amazing to watch brought me so much happiness. They are becoming best friends (most of the time) and that is something that makes me very proud.

In spring last year we managed to get away to Cornwall on a summer holiday, just the four of us, and we had a lovely time experiencing new things and enjoying some down time together. When the kids were asleep, hubby and I enjoyed some quality time alone, with cuddles on the sofa, nice meals and it was fabulous. 

 

Then in June we celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary and escaped for the night to a lovely little bolthole and enjoyed some delicious food and some well deserved alone time to reflect on the previous ten years of marriage together.

Finally, in Autumn I even managed a weekend escape with some lovely girl friends and had lots of laughs, wine, uninterrupted sleep, hot tub relaxation and well earned ‘me time’. It was self indulgent and fantastic and I have now decided that all parents need and deserve a break now and again. This year I discovered that it is ok to be ‘me’ for a weekend and take time away from my parenting role. It doesn’t mean you are selfish or a bad mother.

2012 lies ahead and who knows what it will bring? I quite like not knowing what’s in store but this year I’m hoping for a year of stability and tranquillity and I also intend to once and for all deal with my weight. Here’s to a happy and healthy year ahead.

Looking back and moving forwards......

So here we are at the beginning of November already and I cannot believe how fast this year has passed. People say that time flies more quickly as we get older and I certainly feel that this year more than ever. It feels like only last week it was summer and we were enjoying holidays at the beach, birthdays and many a BBQ gathering with friends. I blink and suddenly its all about Christmas already!!

I have realised that I am someone who likes to look back a lot. Mostly with fond memories. I wish I was someone who always focuses on what's ahead, what's happening next but I can't help it, I do spend quite a bit of my time reminiscing about old times, especially in relation to my kids, my weight and our financial state. Does everyone do this? Or is it just me?

Life is good right now. It's been a pretty calm, drama free year for Roland career wise (which is a rare thing believe me) and the kids are growing and developing at a crazy pace. Olivia is doing so well at school and has settled into juniors really well. She's a happy little thing. And me, well I'm feeling calm and  and finding some inner peace with regards to juggling work & motherhood (still a work in progress).

This year has been about some pretty big milestones also, the main one being Georgia starting school for the first time. I cannot fathom it and we are half a term in. She has taken to school really well and loved going in every day until half term..... then last night when I tucked her into bed, she told me she 'hates school as it's boring and she prefers weekends at home, they are much more fun' bless. Little does she know.... this is life my dear. The novelty appears to have worn off a little. Luckily she seemed happy enough to go into class this morning so hopefully, that half term blip will pass soon enough. She's a clever, perceptive little thing my Georgia. She said something to me this morning, when I was hassling her to hurry up as we had to do her hair for school...."Mummy, I wish time went slower so I had time to do what I want instead of rushing".........blimey, at only (almost) five years old she is experiencing my life long challenge already. Not good.

So I am going to work on a few things between now and Christmas:-

1. Slow down, enjoy the moment and do not rush the kids so much.
2. Loose all the weight I've gained this year.
3. Get fitter and keep up with the exercise.
4. Spend more time alone with my hubby and reinstate 'date night'.

I will check back in to report on progress...........................................

Summer holidays = mixed emotions

August is upon us already and life continues to whizz on by at a rate of knots.  I’ve had an interesting few months and as we enter the kids summer break I am a bundle of mixed feelings and emotions.

Last year, in the summer holidays, I got really depressed and upset at the idea that everyone else was at home with their kids and I was having to be at work, missing much of the special time I could be spending with my girls. I really let it get me down and felt really guilty and sometimes even despairing. Roll on a year later and I find myself in a similar, if not slightly more positive, place. This is the first full week of the girls summer holiday and I have to work throughout the month of August, 3 days each week. I have no choice. We need the money. I don’t have enough annual leave available. So Emma, deal with it.

There is a difference though from last year. This year I am trying really hard not to feel  morose and jealous that other Mum’s that I know are spending each day with their kids, enjoying fun times whilst I sit in a hot stuffy office feeling uninspired. I am instead attempting to focus on the two whole days I get to spend with the girls each week (more than most working Mum’s get) and making the most of those days. We will be cramming those days with fun, cuddles, laughs, friends and fun activities that they and I will remember fondly for years to come. In a few years time, they will be out playing on their own with their friends and probably not wanting to spend this time with me. I am acutely aware of that .

On that note......already some of Olivia’s friends are already allowed to play in their street and beyond. I can’t personally imagine feeling OK with this yet. She’s just turned 7!! Each parent has their own view and I don’t judge others.  I know it depends on many things.... where you live, how mature and streetwise your child is, how confident they are and I know we did it as kids all summer long. I know it’s so very important for kids to be outside, be free and enjoy their time away from gown ups.  But for me, the idea of not knowing what she’s doing and exactly where she is at any given time fills me with complete panic. Terror in fact. 

At what age is it a must that I let go and allow her some of this freedom? I hope that I will know when it feels right for me and for my child. I know I will have to trust myself and her to do the right thing at some point.  And with regard to Olivia, that time is coming soon. When the time does come though, what I cannot imagine is sitting at home explaining to Georgia that she can’t also go out with her, that she isn’t old enough. And when they are both eventually allowed out playing alone, I can’t imagine sitting at home, wondering what the hell to do with myself just waiting for them to come back in...I guess it will all work out when the time is right......

Change is inevitible........

It's been a whole six months since I last posted something on my blog. I'm not someone who feels the urge to blog too often, just when the inspiration takes me. So what's been happening since my last post?

Life has been manic as ever in our household and lots of change. We had a wonderful Christmas break and then all went back to work/school/pre-school in January with heavy hearts and fuller bellies. The girls have grown so much so far this year, both emoitionally and physically. We all enjoyed a wonderful holiday together in Cornwall recently (our first for three years) and we had such a fantastic time.

So the kids.....
Olivia is so tall with long legs (she doesn't get that from me unfortunately), skinny, eats like a horse and is as beautiful and kind natured as ever. She recently turned seven and I've really noticed some subtle changes in recent weeks. She is very emotional (always has been) but seems almost hormonal at the moment (surely she's too young?!) but when she is not having a 'moment' she is just lovely. She and I have a solid and very positive relationship and I often wish we could spend more time together, just the two of us. She's wise for her age, but also very young for her age too. She's my little pal and I love her to bits.

Georgia has also changed dramatically in the last few months. She's a completely different animal to Olivia in many ways. She is right on the cusp on going to 'big school' and is a little but contradictory. On the one hand, she is very much still the baby of the family and prone to toddler tantrums and outbursts of naughty behavoiur and then on the flip side, she's getting very mature and clever and really behaving like a proper big girl too. We've come a long way her and I, we are very similar in nature and both hate to be told no or to loose an argument. It can lead to intense arguments and stalemate at times but we also adore each other and have a very loving and close relationship. She is such a 'Mummy's girl' still and I secretly like that, because I'll blink and she will be a teenager who find me embarrasing and over bearing!!!

As for me.....
Well I've come a long way too these past few months. I've had a hard time juggling work and motherhood (nothing new there) and have, for now at least, found a balance that works for me and the girls most of the time. I'm sure that when Georgia starts school it will bring new pressures and challenges and we will all have to adapt to that change. But right now, I feel pretty good. I drink too much wine (I know, I know) and need to shift some weight (as usual) so I am a work in progress. But I have started excercsing for the first time in years, I've stated to chill out and only focus on positive relationships in my life. I really do feel a bit like the 'old Emma' before we had the kids and like I always have, I really love having a good time with my pals.


An hubby....
Well he's a changed man. This time last year he was depressed, fed up with his job and almost felt like his career was over. I think he felt consigned to the suburbs and an 'average' job in an 'average company' and thought this was as good as it was going to get. He was a man who had been very successful in his career and always always wanted to be anything but 'average'. Then after Christmas something happened, his confidence returned along with his ambition and he went out and went for it, getting a new job back in the rat race. Now many friends (and I at times) worry that he's going to get burnt again out there with the big boys but what a difference it has made to him personally. He has his head held high, shoulders back and is the Roland I remember before all the bad luck and misfortune of the last few years. I really, truly hope this time, it works out for him and us. God knows he deserves it.

I'll be back in a few months with an update, until then.................

Coming to the end of another year........

As we approach Christmas and I begin to reflect on the past year, it's interesting to me to think about the ups and downs of life in 2010. I think this past year has flown by quicker than ever before for me...so much has happened, lots of changes, lots of laughs and a few tears all thrown in.

Our lives, much like everyone we know, are very full and very busy. The kids continue to thrive and amaze me. Both girls have changed a great deal this year. Olivia has matured so much and is getting taller and more beautiful every day. She's doing well at school, she's loves life and most of all she is just a happy and carefree girl. I am so proud of her and hope and pray that she remains this way going into next year. In my view, kids should be carefree, have no concerns and just enjoy themselves each and every day. There is plenty of time to worry and stress and no doubt, if she's anything like me, she'll do her fair share of both in life. For  now, I love that she's so innocent still, so joyous about the little things and so unaware of the tougher side of life. All she knows at the moment is love, fun and contentment. As she enters her seventh year I know that the days of innocence are numbered. But trust me, I intend to shield her from sadness, fear and worry for as long as I possibly can (God willing). If that means wrapping her in a bit of cotton wool then I will. Children need to be just that, children. I for one am in no rush for her to grow up too soon and too fast despite the pressures of today's society.

Georgia has had a lovely year. She's been much less poorly than in her earlier years and continues to be my little girl with the beaming smile that is just so infectious. She is a complex character, much more so than Olivia. Georgia has a sunny disposition but also a steely and sometimes difficult determination which is unrivaled (with the exception of possibly moi).  She turns four soon and I just cannot believe my little baby is growing up and starting school next year. I think I've treated Georgia with kids gloves because she is my little one, my baby but  I do think next year I need to encourage her independence more. She adores her family and can be very bossy and in control at home, but speaking to her teachers, it seems she has a sensitivity and shyness outside of the home that we weren't so aware of. Georgia is without doubt the baby of our family and we all love her and her special little ways so much. Next year she will change into a proper big girl and has so many new adventures ahead of her. But as I tell her all the time "no matter how big you grow, you will always by my baby".

My lovely hubby has continued to be my rock this year and I truly would be lost without him. We've been married ten years (10 whole years!!) next year which I can hardly fathom. If I think back to when I married him, I would have said  I loved him for his positive outlook, his wise and steady guidance, his true zest for life and new experiences. An I felt then that he loved me, warts and all, completely and was really and honestly the only person to ever really 'get' me 100%. All of things remain true for me. Roland is a special person that is very rare. He has respect, moral grounding and is someone who is never, ever disliked. Roland pushes me to try new things, supports me no matter what, makes me laugh every day (well almost) and I am truly amazed that he's still the same man I married, only better. And on top of that, he's a an incredible father.

So as I look forward to Christmas and New Year I feel blessed. It's been a testing year at times and I've found some of it very hard. Work is tough and I've had a few challenges. But on balance, I can't complain really. Each year I grow wiser and feel blessed to have some wonderful friends and a healthy and happy family. I have a pretty nice life :0)

You don't know what you've got til it's gone

My youngest daughter Georgia (almost 4) is still at home with me on the two days each week I'm lucky enough to not work and I really enjoy and relish the time we spend together.

Now, I have to be honest, Georgia is a proper little madam (in the nicest possible way) and is often loud, demanding, needy and is actually pretty dominating within our house on weekday evenings (especially when fuelled by tiredness from being at pre-school for such long days). Friends, family and carers tell me all the time how determined and outgoing she can be and I sometimes worry that maybe she's 'too much' for people on occasion, maybe even a bit of a brat (shhhh, I know I shouldn't say that)!

Oh how I wish people could see my baby on our days off together, it really is such a contrast. We almost always spend the day in complete harmony, enjoying lots of kisses, cuddles and giggles together. We rarely fall out, she is usually quiet and just gets on with entertaining herself whilst I catch up on chores. She is in fact delightful!! As I said, I wish her Daddy and other friends and family had the chance to see this side of her more.

 I'm still working her out of course but I think Georgia finds it hard to be heard in our home (or in a crowded room) and she tries very hard to step out of the shadow of her beautiful and clever (her words) big sister Olivia (age 6). She is desparate to be just like the big sister she idolises so much and I think that's why at times, she feels she needs to create drama just to make sure we notice her too!!

Today, I was sitting alone in a coffee shop waiting for Georgia to finish her toddler gym class and I was observing a group of women and their very young children and it got me thinking about the past. Days when I had Olivia home too and Georgia was so small. Although I found the baby years with Georgia unimaginably tough, I fondly remember my beautiful little girls and how much I loved spending time with them both on my days off. I feel sad when I think about how much they've grown and how much I miss Olivia when she's at school.

This time next year Georgia will also be at school and those days off of mine will never ever be the same again. Yes I will have 'me time' that I crave so much. Yes my house will be cleaner. Yes I'll be able to get to the gym and meet my mates for lunch (child free). But.......boy will I miss spending time with my demanding, loud and challenging little diva!!! Between now and then, I intend to make the most of every day off I have with her because I for one know only too well, you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

Juggling act

At the moment, I seem to be constantly fighting a battle against time. When at work the time seems to pass too quickly and I can never catch up and get 'one step ahead' so to speak. I feel like I am always playing catch up. I work part-time in a managerial position and I am acutely aware that many of my colleagues, friends and most other people who work full time think that 'part timers' have it easy. Let me tell you it's not always as simple as it seems. 

Before I get to work I've already dealt with two kids, got them dressed, fed and rushed them out the door (OK with help from darling hubby) and so feel like I've already done a mornings work before I get to my desk. Often I haven't had anything to eat or drink before I reach my desk two and a half hours after waking up.

Once at said desk I have to deal with several days worth of emails and messages and try and get my brain back into work mode having not been at work since the previous Wednesday. So without fail, I start my week playing catch up on what's happened since I was last in and never, ever seem to get on top of my workload. By Wednesday, without fail, I end up frantically trying to cover all the bases trying ensure everything happens smoothly when I'm on my days off - much the same as when when full time people are at work preparing to go on holiday. Stress stress stress!

All of the above is underlined with a constant internal battle I have with myself to control the intense guilt of leaving my youngest child with the nursery for such long days and the feeling that she's too young, I'm missing too much and it's not how it should be. And it's underlined with a deep sadness that I feel at not being there to meet my eldest child from school every day when she comes out. I miss her terribly on the days I work. It's hard, it's frustrating. It's upsetting. It's an impossible balance to find right now.

I'm not writing this post to gain sympathy, truthfully. Everyone has a choice and I appreciate that I made my own choices and therefore this way of life is my own making. I ask myself all the time, what if I had a magic wand? What would the answer be? And you know what, I haven't got a bloody clue!!!! 

So for now at least, I continue to try and maintain this delicate balance and accept that at times, it will tip over one way or another. I can't be wonder woman, I can't be perfect at it all (although I try hard to be). All I can do is my best to make it work and when I'm not sure what's best.......improvise.

Someone once said women can have it all. She was a bloody liar!